The Demand-Withdraw Cycle: An explanation for almost every argument you've ever had with your partner

The Demand Withdraw cycle, which has it’s origins in EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) and it’s roots in attachment theory, helps explain what almost all of your arguments with your significant other are about, what to do to get out of the relational dance that’s causing the arguments, and how to correctly interpret the things that trigger us the most in relationships.

The Rehearsal-- By Jen Grady

In the ever-evolving world of mental health many of us have faced moments of uncertainty speaking with and meeting with providers and medication prescribers on our path to wellness.  So many of us have experiences of getting on medications that are supposed to improve our mental health and yet months or years down the road when we no longer need them it becomes nearly impossible to imagine a life without them.  Pharmaceuticals, which have helped so many people, often become a problem in and of themselves, and we are at the mercy of our prescribers to help us forge new paths towards our optimum mental health. 

 

Life is not about being happy all the time, or feeling fulfilled all the time—neither is it about numbing out or staying distracted.  Secure, healthy people still experience ups and downs in life.  Everyone has bad days, sometimes bad weeks.  It sometimes feels like we live in a culture that wants to medicate away the experience of being human. 

 

Sometimes it feels like our own medication providers fail to see that suffering, struggling, tension, and discomfort are all aspects of change, growth, and evolution—they’re not always signs of deeper personal problems that require “fixing”. 

 

Sometimes it feels like we medicate away every problem instead of feeling it, experiencing it, and learning from it. 

 

This poem comes from the amazing mind of Jen Grady, local Missoulian, who graciously allowed me to share this potent piece of writing about an experience that so many of us can relate to.

 

The Rehearsal

 

About a week before we meet

I begin the talk again.

Practice for the performance of

The most palatable version of Jen.

 

I don't trust you, no offense

You yield unnerving power

In the audition for my sanity

You are my witching hour

 

My lies have caught up with me

My 'comfortably numb' long gone

Now the drugs on offer

Just make everything wrong

 

The weight of a misdiagnosis

Feeling mislabeled and misunderstood

What harm worse than indoctrination?

Is this the "right way" to feel good?

 

Feeling good was rare

In the days of self-medication

In the time of abusive love

Dead moms, and bodily mutilation.

 

Feeling ok was so foreign

I could be convinced reprieve was illness

But in putting myself back together

I found increasing comfort in the stillness

 

Leaving substances and abusers

Finding a home and making it mine

Having food readily available

I now know my own baseline.

 

What I questioned as too euphoric

Turned out to be rather benign

When I'm safe in my own home

The stress, the dependencies in decline.

 

A good day is now just a good day

I know that, but fear you do not

I really need to contemplate

If it matters what you think- it's fraught.

 

Set aside your diagnostics

Just take me as I am

Let me heal free from your judgement

Because I'll prove to you I can.

 

See? I feel like I have to prove myself

As if only you grant a course reversal

And this is why the week before meeting,

I feel like I need a rehearsal.

 

Attachment Theory for Humans--Made Simple

Attachment Theory helps intuitively explain why humans do what they do. It gives us a way of looking at patterns of human behavior that impact how we have relationships, navigate our world, and whether we feel safe and okay. Check out the video below for a quick introduction of the basics of the Wheel of Attachment!

Prefer the PowerPoint Version of Attachment Theory? Check out the video below!